Moving Past Mechanical: Seeing shades of grey

The following series of drawings represents a multifaceted challenge to myself: (1) to spend more time with a pencil in hand (2) to move past being intimidated by a blank piece of paper-- allowing myself to be the incredible something lying dormant within the fibers as opposed to feeling like I'm interfering with drawing it out (3) to gain experience drawing from sight rather than limiting myself to the mechanical measuring of angles and shapes within the fluid figure (4) to just go with it and enjoy the process without regard to the overall outcome.

Instead of sitting around wondering where I should start or calculating the image with lines of sight and reference points, I chose subjects randomly and jumped into the seeing process using the subject itself to provide reference.



This process was particularly difficult for me as I tend to see things in a cut-and-dry, black-and-white, subscribing-t0-some-sort-of-rule way. (Surprised?) I look at situations, art, myself, others, etc in a critical way-- though, if presented with the opportunity, would give this tendency up in a heart-beat for a more complete, complex, rounded view of myself and the world around me. More and more, I feel a consistent, persistent message coming to me from all around to accept the challenge and start seeing life from a new lens.

Throughout the process of self-definition and self-actualization (to reference Maslow and a bit of Piaget) I reflect on critical instances that shaped the overall me: my gender presentation, morals, religious views, sexuality, etc, etc and see the general subscription to different sets of rules. Examples? The relationship between my gender presentation and sexuality in my late teens: if not boyish presentation, not gay. Yes, there were many other extraneous variables to my choice in appearance such as comfort, recognition in the small gay community in rural Iowa, not wanting association with feminity, etc. Yet there are the rules (or perceived rules from Jimney Cricket in the back of my head) influencing my decisions. Another? Religion. The Bible to the very fundamentalist community in which I was holy Rule Book. Do this. Don't to that. Try not to do that. Wash. Rinse. Repeat. There are thousands of other examples.

I was challenged most recently by a conversation with a friend about social rules of relationships. She's polyamorous and identifies as queer. I was in my little world of attempting to see things in black and white when she mentioned being into this guy and wanting to explore heterosexual sex with him. My comment was something to the effect of "What would it be like to break the social rules of being gay your whole life then being with a guy?" Her reply: "I rejected those rules a long time ago." And that was that. I've chewed on that comment for 3 days now.

I'm inspired. I've held myself to so many rules for so long: ones written by family, friends, religion, myself; ones implied, assumed, guilt-tripped into. And I want to continue to work within them to break them and re-write something I can allow myself to live by without guilt or limitation.

Even in my rule-abiding, I've always been a bit of a trend-breaker and a way-paver in the things I've been passionate about. But in big ways I feel like another door has been opened to me: a new way of thinking, striving, subscribing. I want to delve into it, explore, and most importantly, allow myself to move. Freely. In art, in life.